How to Save a Life
by whatido
Summary: Following Daniel's not-death, Jack wonders if he could have prevented it or at least repaired their relationship. Silent Spacemonkey AU. Songfic. More or less.


A/N: This will eventually be an AU of an AU, a Meridian fixit. It is in my Silent Spacemonkey series, so Daniel is mute. It is my hope that posting this now will guilt me into finishing it very, very soon.

Jack is in the mall looking for a present for Cassie's birthday when he hears it. This is actually one of the reasons he avoids the mall: the tinny variations on a four-chord theme. After everything he has experienced, from Black Ops to the joy of his life with Charlie and Sara to the gut-wrenching pain of its end, he simply cannot bring himself to care about the romantic lives of whichever singers are currently en vogue. It's nothing personal, Jack simply prefers music that has a lot of feeling in it. He has become quite adept at tuning out most of the noise in the mall and his brain doesn't register the first verse of the song. Then the chorus hits him and he has to sit down for a moment.

"I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life."

Daniel has only been gone for a few weeks (two weeks, five days, eight hours, and thirty-six minutes) but Jack has had plenty of time to think about how very screwed up their relationship has become. Had. Has. They always argue (had always argued)—how could they not when they disagreed about everything from politics to pizza toppings—but lately their arguments had taken a turn for the toxic. And this thing with Carter had not helped matters.

Somehow, between having inappropriate feelings for his very attractive and very young 2IC, wrangling with his peace-loving archaeologist over every single decision, and withstanding pressure from people in very high places about the lack of "recovered" alien weaponry, Jack had lost sight of what made his team special. The magic that protected and bound them together wore off at some point and Jack had the very uncomfortable feeling that it was his fault. He suspected that Carter did too, based on the way she kept looking at him as though he had killed her puppy.

He supposed he had, in a way. Carter and Daniel had always had a strange, almost psychic connection. The moniker of "Science Twins" had fit them to a 'T,' or at least it had until they had all agreed to drop it after that one mission to P5X-839. And the less said about _that_ mission, the better.

Boy, Jack wishes he had sat Daniel down for a talk (or a sign?), as the song seemed to suggest. He had noticed that Daniel was working more and speaking up less, but Jack had either ignored or was completely oblivious to the extent of Daniel's misery until the thing with that damned robot. Jack was shocked to see Daniel's eyes fill with tears as he sat over Reese's… Reese. As a rule, Daniel didn't cry. The only time Jack had ever seen him cry was after he returned home from delivering Sha're's baby. And he had been very, very drunk (four beers and two shots). Well, he had also cried during withdrawal from sarcophagus addiction, but he was completely out of it then, too.

Jack wonders what would have happened if he and Daniel had had that talk. Would he still be alive? In the non-glowy sense of the word? He figures that if multiple deaths, sarcophagus addiction, and a trip to the loony bin had not knocked that pesky self-sacrificing streak out of Daniel, a heart-to-heart wasn't going to do the trick. But maybe if Jack had sucked it up and at least attempted to repair their relationship he could have given Daniel a proper good-bye instead of the bumbling mess that came out of his mouth at Daniel's bedside. He couldn't even remember what he said now; he could only remember how awful Daniel had looked, covered in gauze and bleeding through the bandages in some places.

Dammit to hell. He should have cleared the air with Daniel, told him how much he cared even when he was a giant pain in the ass, should have told Carter that nothing was going to happen with "them" a long time ago. But that was Jack's problem. It was so much easier to avoid difficult conversations, letting wounds fester, than it was to clear the air. When would he learn that this only led to loss?

Abruptly, Jack realizes he has been walking blindly through the mall and completely missed all the stores where he could buy something for Cassie. And that song had ended, probably a while ago. He makes a quick decision and retraces his steps to the music and video store, where he buys the first three seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and a poster with some of the characters on it for Cassie. He also purchases a CD containing the song that was just playing. He has never understood how people name bands. What the hell kind of name is The Fray? What's next, The Rip? The Tear? Unraveling? Although that was more of a song name. Jack can just hear it now: "Unraveling" by The Sweater. Daniel would… Daniel would nothing because he is incorporeal and in a galaxy far, far away, never to return, for all Jack knows.


End file.
